


Everything I Never Had

by myhogwartsletterlostinthemail



Category: The Mindy Project
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-01
Updated: 2015-10-01
Packaged: 2018-04-24 08:08:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,587
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4911850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/myhogwartsletterlostinthemail/pseuds/myhogwartsletterlostinthemail
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Danny reflects on his childhood now that he is a father. Simultaneously angsty and fluffy if that's possible.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Everything I Never Had

**Author's Note:**

> This idea just wouldn't leave me alone. Please leave a comment and let me know what you think!

She burst through the door, almost toppling under the weight of the bags she carried. Her arms were loaded with shiny plastic pastel parcels emblazoned with cute caricatures of smiling babies or names like “Swanky Baby” or “Posh Little Tykes” in swirly font.

He shifted Leo to one arm and rushed to her side, and placed a steadying hand on her hip as she regained her footing. She beamed up at him, doled out two quick kisses – one to his jaw and one to Leo’s forehead, and hurried past him into the bedroom.

She dumped the bags into a heap on the floor. As he surveyed the mountain of purchases, he almost said exactly what he was thinking. _Min, Leo’s dresser is already completely full. He doesn’t need all of this stuff. We should be putting this money away for college._ But the look of joy on her face as she pulled out the third set of matching mommy and son pajamas made him keep his lips tightly closed.

She called to him from the bed. “Come here, Daddy! Let’s show Leo all of the fun new stuff I got for him!” He beamed and played along, dutifully holding Leo against his chest as she cooed over each outfit.

She ripped off the tags and insisted on a fashion show, and he desperately tried to forget a memory from his childhood.

\--

The ironing board was too high for a ten-year old, and he definitely wasn’t allowed to use the iron, but that didn’t stop him. Ma was at work, and baby Richie was in the kitchen with the babysitter, bawling with a strength that shocked Danny, given the size of his tiny lungs.

He’d found this box right after school, his Ma’s most treasured mementos from his infancy - tiny onesies and his baby blanket. They weren’t his anymore, though. He was the man of the house now, and that meant making sure that Richie – who had a penchant for spitting up – had all of the clothes he needed.

He dragged a chair from his bedroom into his Ma’s room, and stood on top of it, waiting for the iron to heat up. He wasn’t sure what how to set it, so he turned it on and pressed the metal plate onto the ironing board for a few seconds and then carefully touched the triangle imprint it left behind. Very hot, but not enough to burn him – perfect.

One by one, he lifted his old clothes from the box and ironed them carefully, pressing out the creases left by years of being folded in the same dusty box.

He finished and smiled at his handiwork. He had a few burns on his fingers, but he hoped that his Ma would be too preoccupied with Richie to notice. He put away the iron, and placed the neatly folded baby clothes in the drawer of his Ma’s dresser that had been set-aside for Richie.

As he dragged the chair back to his room, he hoped those would be enough to last Richie for a little while. In a few months he could use the money he earned raking leaves to buy some more clothes.

 

_**XXXX** _

 

It had been a long night. Leo refused to sleep, and his exhaustion was making him extremely moody. He cried gut-wrenching tears, which dissolved into sniffles every few minutes. Then, the apartment would fall silent as he took a big breath and the sobs would begin anew.

Mindy had been walking around the room with Leo pressed to her chest for the last fifteen minutes – doing some exhausting-looking bounce-march-step that she hoped would soothe Leo. He almost laughed at her, but he could tell by her blank expression that she was too tired to come up with a witty retort, so he wisely held back.

She veered off of the invisible circle she’d been walking and stepped in front of him. He wordlessly took Leo from her tired arms and stood to make his own circuit of the room. He tried to rock Leo and walk at the same time, which he now realized probably looked as crazy as whatever the hell she’d been doing.  He didn’t care. Leo needed to sleep.

She didn’t go to bed. She just sat on the couch, watching them, listening to her son cry, and waiting her turn. 

It makes him love her even more, if that’s possible. They’re partners, before anything else. They share this burden. He feels a pang of pride and awe when he thinks about his Ma, who didn’t have anyone to share this burden with. Even as a small child, he was aware enough to know that even when Alan was there, he wasn’t really _there_. So, his Ma soothed his tears alone

_**  
XXXX**_

 

He dreamt of Mindy singing – she doesn’t let him hear her sweet earnest singing voice often. Normally, she belts pop hits in a jokey-screechy voice meant to coax an annoyed chuckle out of him. But sometimes, he hears her real voice drifting under the bathroom door with the steam from her shower, and he always longs to hear more of it. In his dream, she sings to their son – a soft sweet song about love. He clings to the dream, even as the early morning light wakes him. He can still hear her singing in his mind, and the sound warms him.

He blinks tiredly, admitting defeat against the light filling the room, and reaches over to hold her. He can still hear the singing, and her side of the bed is warm, but empty. He sits up, opening his eyes fully. The singing was real. Her voice drifted from the living room, quiet but clear enough for him to make out the words.

_Stars shining bright above you_  
_Night breezes seem to whisper "I love you"_  
 _Birds singing in the sycamore trees_  
 _Dream a little dream of me_

He smiled and settled back against the pillows, content to listen for a while.

He tries to bask in the moment, and forget the first memory that ever made him hate his father.

\--

He climbed out of his bed when he heard his mother’s voice. He crept to her door, and finding it slightly open, peeked through the crack, doing his best to remain silent. His mother sang.

_You are my sunshine, my only sunshine_

_You make me happy when skies are gray_

Her voice is shaky and quiet – nothing like the strong woman who yelled at him earlier that day for getting mud on the rug. She pauses her song to take a rattling breath, and he notices that she’s crying.

She starts singing again, even more quietly, and tears drip down her cheeks and onto Richie’s – formerly his – baby blanket, leaving misshapen wet splotches on the blue quilt.

_You’ll never know dear, how much I love you_

_Please don’t take my sunshine away_

He desperately wants to go hug his Ma, but he doesn’t. He creeps back to his room and climbs under his covers. He stares at the ceiling, with its peeling slightly yellow tiles, and his heart fills with anger toward his father. How could he leave her?

 

_**XXXX** _

 

He bought a rocking char. As he suspected, she burst into loud laughs as he dragged it from the hallway, and mocked him incessantly for once again proving what an old man he is. He smiled good-naturedly and laughed off her loving jibes. This chair had a purpose.

Later that night, she sat in the chair – not because she _wanted_ to, but because every other surface was covered with baby clothes or toys or books and she needed a place to nurse. When she finished, she did not get up and look disdainfully back at the chair and make some comment about little old ladies and their knitting – she just leaned back and held Leo against her chest, rocking gently.

When he looks at them – his son and his wife - he feels love spring from deep within him. It’s an uncontrollable current that he couldn’t stop if he tried.

He used to force a sardonic chuckle while being forced to watch Mindy’s precious romcoms when he heard overwrought lines like “I would die for you.”

Now with startling clarity, he knows he would – without thought or regret – he would die for them. The depth of his feelings leaves him so happy- he is so lucky to have this life. The life that Mindy gave him, just by putting him with him on a daily basis.

But occasionally, on quiet nights like this one – watching them rock and feeling the love in his heart also makes him incredibly sad.

His father didn’t feel this way about him – or about his Ma. He knows that for certain. If Alan Castellano felt even one percent of this feeling, he could not have walked out the door. He couldn’t have left them behind.

His Ma sure as hell deserved better than that. And Mindy has started to teach him that he deserved better than that too.

He is shaken by a whispered “Danny!” from across the room. Leo is asleep on Mindy’s chest. He walks over quietly, lifting his son out of her arms and setting him in his crib. She walks up behind him, and he pulls her into his side, needing her warmth close to his body. They stare down at their son together. He presses a kiss to her temple and thinks that he’s finally getting everything he deserves.


End file.
